Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.  The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.  She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.  The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?  We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!' 

An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road, and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and laughing with glee.. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're naked and we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and yelled back, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one,
but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look,
so the nun said,

'This is for washing our hair.'

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached
underthe counter and puta package of pretzel sticks in the bag with
the beer.

'The curlers are on me!'

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river.'

Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river'

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!'

The Wyoming State Department of Fish and Wildlife advises golfers to take
extra precautions and be on the alert for Bears while playing on Big Horn,
Grand Teton, and Shoshone National Forests Golf Courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert, but not to startle the Bears unexpectedly.
 
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with
a Bear.
 
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should
be able to 'recognize the difference' between Black bear and Grizzly bear
droppings on the golf course.
 
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel
fur.
 
Grizzly bear droppings have bells, golf-gloves and sunglasses in them, and
smell like pepper spray.

LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand -to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Carol

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, 'I've never felt better... I
have a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you
think of that?' the doctor replied, 'I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and
never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he
saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went 'bang, bang, bang',
and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?'
The 90-year old said, 'I'd say somebody else shot the beaver.'
The doctor said, 'My point exactly

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it!

Mary went to visit her blonde friend Buffy who had just adopted two new dogs. She was greeted warmly at the door when she arrived.
Mary asked “What are their names?”
Buffy proudly and enthusiastically announces, “This is Rolex and that is Timex!”
Mary thinks for a minute and hesitantly responds, “I have never heard of anyone naming their dogs like that?” Scratching her head she asks, “Why did you choose those names”?
“Hello!?!?!?”, Buffy replies, her head bobs and hands rest on her hips, “They're watch dogs!!!”