A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street...when a masked robber ran out of a local bank, and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in, because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters, and a very healthy son. All was fine for 16 years... and then one daughter walked into her Mom's room in tears. "What's wrong?", asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out!" replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay, and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later, the second daughter walked into the room in tears... "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again, the mother told her not to worry, and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week after this, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay", said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

Three men are sleeping side by side in a tent together. All three wake up and the man on the left says,"I had a dream that I was getting the best handjob ever!" The man on the right says,"That's funny, I was dreaming that I was getting the best handjob." Then the man in the middle says,I was dreaming that I was skiing."

There are 3 men walking in a store to buy stuff for thanksgiving.
they get the bill and they noticed they haven't got enough money.
the clerk says if you put your penises on the desk and if your dicks together are 40 inches you can have this all for free.
they all lay there penisses on the desk and they start counting.
Person 1: 19 inch.
Person 2: 19 inch.
Person 3: 2 inch.
they get there food for free and came out of the store happy.
the first one said i'm glad i had 19 inch.
the second one said i'm glad i had 19 inches to.
the third one said i'm glad i had a boner !!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Look at the size of his putter

2. Oh shit my shafts all bent

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

6. Lift your head and spread your legs

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired

8. Just turn your back and drop it

9. Hold up.. I've got to wash my balls

10. Damn, I missed the hole again

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?" He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

A - is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B - is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C - is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D - is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E - is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F - is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G - is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H - is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I - stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J - stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K - stands for Kill.

L - is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L - is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M - stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N - stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O - is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P - is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q - is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R - is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S - stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T - is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U - is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V - is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W - stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X - is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y - stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z - stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

. - stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and washorrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in histired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I . I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold and blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did as her mother suggested and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Here, put them between my legs. The warmth of my body
will warm them up." He was surprised but did as she suggested and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend wasagain in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "then put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The now excited boyfriend thinking fast said, "Gosh my penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving inthe buggy with her mother, and she said to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Somewhat concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replied, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.

She then tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, and no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for suck here.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But then they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at

disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who

expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables,

were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside

they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the

bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to

eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing

but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of

gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing

more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

* 1st base = Kissing

* 2nd base = Tongue kissing

* 3rd base = Hands down partner's pants

* Home run = Sex

* Here is the new standardized guide (and other terms/meanings)

* On deck = Having plans for a date

* Strike out = Stood up/didn't score/couldn't get it up

* Walk = Kissing

* Bunt = Masturbation

* Single = tongue kissing

* Double = Breast/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feeling

* Triple = Most of clothes off, genital contact, and or mutual masturbation

* Inside the park home run = Oral sex

* Home run = Sex

* Ground out double = Would have sex, no condom

* Relief pitcher = Vibrator

* Error = condom breaking during sex

* Banned for life for gambling = Having sex with out a condom

* Hall of fame = Marriage

* Rain delay = Parents/Room mate come home early

* Box seats = Water bed

* Seventh inning stretch = Unusual positions

* Rookie = Virgin

* Minor leagues = Under 18

* Grand slam = Sex 4 times in a 12 hour period.

A Fireman comes home from work one day and says to his wife, " You know honey, we have this fantastic system at work, when bell one rings, we hop in our gear, when bell two rings, we slide down the poll and when bell three rings we hop on the truck. Well I want the same kind of system here at home, so when I say bell one, I want you to strip off all your clothes, and when I say bell two, I want you to hop into bed, then when I say bell three we are going to make love all night long." And his wife agrees. The next day when the fireman came home, he yells to his wife. "bell one" she strips off all her clothes, he yells "bell two" she hops into bed, then he yells "bell three" they begin to make love. Then all of the sudden she yells "bell four." He says, " Bell four! What the heck is bell four? She replies "More hose it hasn't reached the fire yet."

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fellah did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'.

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So, she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey'. But I accidentally said, "You've ruined my life, you maniacally evil, soul consuming, shrew minded, self-centered, fat-assed, tyrannical bitch

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

The store clerk replied, "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

To which the blonde answered, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

A teacher was doing a "taste study" testing the senses of first graders byusing a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to say:

"Red..........................cherry,"

"Yellow....................lemon,"

"Green....................... lime,"

"Orange.....................orange,"

Finally the teacher gave them all "honey" flavored lifesavers.

 After eatingthem, none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well", the teacher said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh my God...they're Assholes!

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's
office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not
going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I
do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a
head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,  25 Jalapeno
peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it
off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me,  Doc?"

"No, but it will leave you with a better understanding of what your  ass
is meant for."

A man and a woman were driving down the road,

arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over,

slices the man's penis off and angrily tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter.

The little girl is chattering away at her father when all of a sudden the penis lands on the car windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

A moment of surprised silence ... then, "Daddy, what the heck was that?

" Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a
young age, the father replies,
"It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits quietly, thoughtfully,
and after a moment says

......"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.  "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"  "Blowjobs!" the woman replied.  "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he  said.  The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.  When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she  may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.  In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.  "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.  The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,  honey,  could you fix the light in the hallway?

 It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily, fix the lights now?

 Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead?

I don't think so.

Fine, then the wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door?

It won't close right  to which he replied, fix the fridge door?

Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?

I don't think so fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door?

They are about to break

I'm not a carpenter and i don't want to fix steps he says, does it look like i have ace hardware written on my forehead?
 
I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours...............................

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home

as he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working  as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed? She said, well, when you left i
sat outside and cried.

Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed
with him or bake a cake.

He said, so what kind of cake did you bake?

She replied, hellooooo.. Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?

I don't think so!

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.
The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either”

What do a woman and a bucket of K.F.C. have in common?

Once you get past the breast and the thighs, all you got left is greasy box to put your bone in! n

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and
whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.  The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." 

KIDS ; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. 

Maude: What in the hell is that? 

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. 

Maude: Where did you get it? 

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. 

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. 

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." 

The pharmacist fainted.

George Bush received a call from Russian President Putin. He says to Bush,"Our largest condom factory has exploded.

They are my people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster."

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied President Bush.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?" said Bush.

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 2" in daimeter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a condom company, "I need a favor. Can you send 1,000,000 condoms right away to Russia?"

"Consider it done." replied the CEO of the condom company.

"Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 2" in daimeter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL' on each one

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I
think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink
whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken
there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta
it's ass."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being
would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio
out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but don't point to their ass when they ask where
the bathroom is?

Why does your OB -GYN leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a
mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the same tune?

.........Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet.

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

Bounty: The quicker picker upper. Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 pounds.

What is the difference between medium and rare?

Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

About three inches.

What's the difference between purple and pink?

The grip.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

A. Sexual harassment.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

A. $3.99 a minute

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "Whadaya say we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our Tribal experiment coming?" "Well, it looks like we're half way there," he replied. "You mean you've grown to 12 inches already?" "No...but it's turned black...

The other day someone at the co-op read that a methamphetamine lab had
been found in an old farm house in the adjoining county and he asked me a
rhetorical question, "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I
were growing up?" It just so happened that I had saved something that had
been e-mailed to me a few weeks ago. So, I printed off a copy and took it
to him the next day. I smiled when I handed it to him and said, "I did have a
drug problem when I was a kid growing up on the farm in Nebraska." Here is
what the sheet said:

I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday
morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to
family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was
drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers. I was also
drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents or if I didn't put forth my
best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug out to pull
weeds in mom's garden, flowerbeds, and sandburs out of the yard. Those drugs
are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do,
say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin, and if today's
children had this kind of drug problem; America might be a better
place today! 

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over five years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Asian sex therapist, Dr.Chang.

The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, fass to odderside of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.”

There were three prostitutes living together: a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very sad.
"How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother.
"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for $5!"
"Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, ''So, how was I?''
She says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.''

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house,and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum,I have something to tell you: I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, “Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

I was telling my friends, after a long hard day I work, I went home, stormed in the house, walked straight into the bedroom and ripped my girlfriends panties off. They said, "what did you do that for." I said, "Cause, the ride up in my crack and they hurt."

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository....it's up to you"

What's the height of conceit?

Having an orgasm and calling out your own name

I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and
women differ so much.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I
were getting into bed.

The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually
said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the
planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional
needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She then responded to my puzzled look by saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the
bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that
night, I went to sleep...

The very next day I opted to take the day off of
work to spend time with her.

We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping
at a v ery big department store. I walked around with her while she
tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her
we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes,
so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked
out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she
then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to
play tennis.

I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine,
honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all
of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said,
"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw
dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this
stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as
a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going
to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for
the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke.

Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex. Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh well, I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America/

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadd! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP! 3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record st ore and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! Wi th games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure,

we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! ! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-@#$%%ds!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up. We had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove f orever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,

-The 30s and up

Ready... set... go...



At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

When you said you had 10 inches,

Lord I almost died!

But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,

That I grew strong,

And I knew that I could take you on...



But there you are, another lie,

I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!

I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream,

Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans!



Go on now... go, walk out the door,

Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!

Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?

Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!



[Chorus]...

I will survive! I will survive!

Cuz as long as I have batteries,

My sex life's gonna thrive!

I will always have good sex, with a handful of latex!

I will survive! I will survive! ... Hey! Hey!



It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,

When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!

But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,

Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!



[Chorus]...

I will survive! I will survive!

Cuz as long as I have batteries,

My sex life's gonna thrive!

I will always have good sex,

With a handful of latex!

I will survive! I will survive! ...Hey! Hey!

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal
in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen 

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield 

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner 

"Sex at age 75 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia 

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone 

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b###h."
Jack Nicholson 

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush 

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams 

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro 

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams 

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers 

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin 

"Bigamy is having one wife too many.. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde 

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - George Burns

Man goes to a hitman and asks him to kill his wife.
Hitman: Sure, but it will be 10K
Man: OK, but I want to know how you are going to kill her?
Hitman: I will use just one shot....just below her left tit
Man: That's no fucking good....I want her dead, not kneecapped

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea.

Adult Jokes Page 2