Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.  The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All  Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here.  You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.    (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with  drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
 
 "It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame  this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is  Daddy sleeps naked!"
 
 Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for  thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy  what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.  Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his  youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends,  but he always told the truth.
 
 "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this  here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et  six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last  night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken  pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That  coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"
 
 'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!"
 
 "He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no  shirt!"
 
 "To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on  the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through  the window of the coop. As he stared into the  darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound  dog Zeke had done woke up and come sneakin' up  behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless  whilst old Zeke stuck that cold nose on Daddy's  rear-end!"
  
 "Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since  three o'clock this mornin'"

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe her while you carry her towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Dear Dogs,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain  your food.  The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not automatically stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a  racetrack.  Beating me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either because I fall faster than you can run.
 
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I'm very sorryabout this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I'm also aware that sticking tails straight outand having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get  the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the  knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years - canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on  our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,   stay off their furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't  speak clearly.   Dogs are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends (unless the cat that also lives here has a cat-nip addiction, but that won't kill him/her).   They don't smoke or drink, don't need to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for university.

An elephant asks a camel,
"Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose Wiener is on his face

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing.

The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog.

Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

A penguin is having problems with his car and takes it to the mechanic. The mechanic says "give me a few minutes to look at it and come back". So the penguin leaves and starts walking around killing time. He comes across an ice cream shop and goes inside. He asks for an ice cream cone and since penguins only have flippers and no hands, he was very messy and got it all over his beak. After he finishes the ice cream, he goes back to the mechanic to see about his car and the mechanic says "well, it looks looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin said "oh no, it's just a little ice cream."

A pit bull and a great Dane meet at the vet’s office. The great Dane says, "What are you here for?"

The pit bull says, "There’s this little boy who lives next door to us, and he’s always climbing the fence into our yard. The last time he did it, he came over and yanked on
The pit bull is mortified. "They’re putting you to sleep for THAT?"

The great Dane says, "Put to sleep? Oh no, I’m here to get my nails clipped." my ears and it really hurt, so I bit him. Now I’m being put to sleep."

The great Dane expresses his shock at the unfairness of this. Then the pit bull asks, "Why are you here?"

The great Dane says, "The woman who owns me is always walking around the house buck naked, and it’s been driving me crazy. Yesterday she dropped something on the floor, and when she bent over to pick it up I couldn’t help myself, so I mounted her."

Thought you could all use a good Friday afternoon laugh. We have a Golden Retriever; I picked up a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart and was standing in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told Her "No, I'm starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably should not because I ended up in the hospital last time but I did loose 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care, with tubes coming out most all of my bodily orifices; IVs in both arms. I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Dog Chow nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I must mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her, "No. But I had been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me." You should have seen the looks on people's faces and heard them howling..

THE LINEUP:
In lane 1: Passionate Lady.
In lane 2: Bare Belly.
In lane 3: Silk Panties.
In lane 4: Conscience.
In lane 5: Jockey Shorts.
In lane 6: Clean Sheets.
In lane 7: Thighs.
In lane 8: Big Dick.
In lane 9: Heavy Bosom.
In lane 10: Merry Cherry.

AAAAAAAAAAND THEY'RE OFF.
Conscience is left behind at the gate... Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured and Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs, and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot...

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick...

AT THE STRETCH:
It's Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.....Big Dick is making a final drive... Big Dick moves inside and Passionate Lady is coming...

AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got....Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but... Big Dick comes through with one final thrust, and wins by a head... Bare Belly shows and Thighs weaken... Heavy Bosom pulls up.....and Clean Sheets never had a chance!!!

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.” The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."