There are three blondes walking down the beach. A genie lamp appears. The first blonde rubs the lamp and the genie magically appears.
"Since there are three of you, I will give each one of you a wish," replies the genie.
The first blonde thinks for a few minutes and says," I want to be 25% smarter."
*POOF!* The blonde turns into a lovely redhead.
The second blonde in amazement says, "Well, I want ot be 50% smarter."
*POOF* The blonde turned into a beautiful brunette.
The third blonde says, " I want to be 50% dumber."
*POOF* She turns into a man

• January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
• February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels - Helllooo!!! .... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
• March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months......box said "2-4 years!"
• April - Trapped on the Macy's escalator for hours after the power went out.
• May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
• June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope
• July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!!
• August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm ...car swamped because soft-top was open.
• September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
• October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
• November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
• December - Couldn't call 9-1-1...."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

A blonde pulls up to the booth of a wildlife drive-through park in her brand new convertible. "I'm sorry, ma'am," the attendant said, "but the bears will destroy the top of your car if you drive it through the park. Would you like to use one of the junk cars we keep here for these situations?"

"A junk car?" the blonde said reluctantly. "How about if I just put the top down?"

Young blonde from Louisiana was on vacation and driving through the
Florida Everglades.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way,
but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just have
to go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for
free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, go give it a
shot!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch her an
alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulled over to the
side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep
in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9 foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning speed, she takes aim, and nails it right between the eyes and
hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more carcasses, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto it's back.

Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts
out.....


'"S**T...THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO"

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The
redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde" "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A blonde went to her doctor and said, "You prescribed birth control pills for me." And how is it going?" he asked. "Okay, I think, but I'd like to have them bigger." The doctor was surprised. "You mean stronger?" "No, bigger, please" "But why BIGGER?" "Because they keep falling out."

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ...so I did.Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... And here I am.

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “ So y’all want to be cops, huh?” The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said. “ To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.” So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after two seconds. “Now," he said, “Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?” The blonde immediately said, “ YES, I did. He has only one eye!” The detective shook his head and said, “ OF course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!” The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds pulled it back and said, “ What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?” “ YES! He only has one ear!” The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “ Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face!! OF course you can only see one ear!! You’re excused too!!” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said: “This is probably a waste of time, but – he flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it saying. “ All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?” The blonde said, “ I sure did. This man is wearing contact lenses.” The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, “ You’re absolutely right! The bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?” The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses?”

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,"Which do you think is farther away... Florida or
the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

Mary went to visit her blonde friend Buffy who had just adopted two new dogs. She was greeted warmly at the door when she arrived.
Mary asked “What are their names?”
Buffy proudly and enthusiastically announces, “This is Rolex and that is Timex!”
Mary thinks for a minute and hesitantly responds, “I have never heard of anyone naming their dogs like that?” Scratching her head she asks, “Why did you choose those names”?
“Hello!?!?!?”, Buffy replies, her head bobs and hands rest on her hips, “They're watch dogs!!!”

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to   Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.  

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 

YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.  In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.  They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.  The man tells her that he will sell it for $599.00 - no less.  After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."  Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1.00 left.  She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."  The operator shakes his head.  " How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send just the work 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister is a blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly....com-for-da-bull."

A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.  Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the
slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions as she made every turn the snowplow made.

After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and moving over to the Target parking lot next

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats  right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

 "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a
contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the
colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral
beige, very soft and warm."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then
he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the
next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark,
but very bright and airy."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then
he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is
even more perplexed but still lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd
like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then
once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell
you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green
side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying
sod across the street."

Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who’s nailing down siding, has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing it in. The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, "Hey—how come you’re throwing half the nails over your shoulder?" The first blonde explains, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in." "You moron!" the second blonde yells. "The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective. They’re for the other side of the house."

A blo​nde ​wan​ted ​to go ice​fis​hin​g. She​'d see​n man​y boo​ks on the​ subjec​t, and​ fin​all​y get​tin​g all​ the​ nec​ess​ary​ too​ls tog​eth​er,​she ​mad​e for ​the ​ice​.Af​ter​ pos​iti​oni​ng her​com​fy foo​t sto​ol,​she ​sta​rte​d to mak​e a cir​cul​ar cut​in the​ice​.

Sud​den​ly,​fro​m the ​sky​, a voi​ce boo​med​, 'TH​ERE​ ARE​ NO FIS​H UND​ER THE​ICE​.'

Startl​ed,​the ​blo​nde ​mov​ed fur​the​r dow​n the​ice​, pou​red​a the​rmo​s of cap​puc​cin​o, and​ beg​an to cut ​yet​ ano​the​r hol​e. Aga​in fro​m the ​hea​ven​s the ​voi​ce bel​low​ed,​'TH​ERE​ ARE​ NO FIS​H UND​ER THE​ICE​.'

The ​blo​nde​, now​wor​rie​d, mov​ed awa​y, cle​ar dow​n to the​ opp​osi​te end​ of the​ice​. She​ set​up her​sto​ol onc​e mor​e and ​tri​ed aga​in to cut​her​ hol​e.

The​ voi​ce cam​e onc​e mor​e, 'TH​ERE​ARE​NO FIS​H UND​ER THE​ICE​.'

She​ sto​ppe​d, loo​ked ​sky​war​d, and​ sai​d, 'IS​T HA​T YOU​LOR​D?

The​voi​ce rep​lie​d: 'NO​, THI​S IS THE​MAN​AGE​R OF THE ​HOC​KEY​ RINK!

A blo​nde ​wan​ted ​to go ice​fis​hin​g. She​'d see​n man​y boo​ks on the​
subjec​t, and​ fin​all​y get​tin​g all​ the​ nec​ess​ary​ too​ls tog​eth​er,​she ​mad​e for ​the ​ice​.Af​ter​ pos​iti​oni​ng her​com​fy foo​t sto​ol,​she ​sta​rte​d to mak​e a cir​cul​ar cut​in the​ice​.

Sud​den​ly,​fro​m the ​sky​, a voi​ce boo​med​, 'TH​ERE​ ARE​ NO FIS​H UND​ER THE​ICE​.'

Startl​ed,​the ​blo​nde ​mov​ed fur​the​r dow​n the​ice​, pou​red​a the​rmo​s of cap​puc​cin​o, and​ beg​an to cut ​yet​ ano​the​r hol​e. Aga​in fro​m the ​hea​ven​s the ​voi​ce bel​low​ed,​'TH​ERE​ ARE​ NO FIS​H UND​ER THE​ICE​.'

The ​blo​nde​, now​ wor​rie​d, mov​ed awa​y, cle​ar dow​n to the​ opp​osi​te end​ of the​ice​. She​ set​up her​sto​ol onc​e mor​e and ​tri​ed aga​in to cut​her​ hol​e.

The​ voi​ce cam​e onc​e mor​e, 'TH​ERE​ARE​NO FIS​H UND​ER THE​ICE​.'

She​ sto​ppe​d, loo​ked ​sky​war​d, and​ sai​d, 'IS​T HA​T YOU​LOR​D?

The​voi​ce rep​lie​d: 'NO​, THI​S IS THE​MAN​AGE​R OF THE ​HOC​KEY​ RINK!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender: "What is a B and C?".

Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and Tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal.

I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my balls inside.

Then the gator will close his mouth for one full minute.

Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

" The crowd murmured their approval.

The Cajun stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts into the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the assembly gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The patrons cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up...

"I'll try It!

Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a
vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ And one
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida
or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a bar.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair.

Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did, too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

A highway patrolman  sped up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL
OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

A lawyer and a blonde happen to be sitting next to each other  on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists,  saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.  He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa." Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. 

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.  He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.  He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress.  Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.  All to no avail. 

After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Anally - occuring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Condom - small apartment complex
Congenital - friendly
D+C - where Washington is
Diaphram - drawing in geometry
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fallopian Tube - part of a tv set
Fester - quicker
Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke"
Fibula - a small lie
Genitals - people of non-jewish origins
G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game
Grippe - suitcase
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labor pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor's cane
Menopause - button on the VHS remote control
Menstrual cycle - thing with three wheels
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favoring young people
Rectum - d*mn near killed 'em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amorous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Scrotum - small planet near Uranus
Secretion - hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Tablet - small tablet
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Testicles - found on an octopus
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumor - an extra pair
Umbilical chord - part of a parachute
Urine - opposite of you're out
Vagina - heart trouble
Varicose - located nearby
Vein - conceited
Vulva - automobile from Sweden

A blonde got a new cell phone for her birthday. After walking through Wal-Mart shopping her phone rings. She slowly picked up the phone and answered real softly "hello". On the other end of the phone was her husband. He said, "Baby, while you're in town, pick me up a six pack of beer. She said, "Ok, I will, but I have a question for you. He said, "Whats that?" The blonde said, "How did you know to call me at Wal-Mart?"

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,"We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the
moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

This Blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

Next day right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said??.

You'll love this: "For Best Results, Put On Two Coats"

A blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your balls.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's
a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed......... ....... "Let's put all
the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!"she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

One winter morning in Pennsylvania a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."  Norman 's wife went out and moved her car.
 
 A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of  snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman 's wife went out and moved her car again.
 
 The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of  snow today. You must park .." Then the electric power went off.
 
 Norman 's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
 
 With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine! She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?" The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your
act together Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend and stares him down for a moment.

Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."

The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already.

I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy.

I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I went into work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.

Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde...it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off.

I'm a light bulb." A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said.

"Take a few days off.

" With that, I jumped down and started walking out.

The blonde started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.

One day, a blonde and a brunette are sitting together for lunch.

The brunette sets a thermos on the table, and the blonde asks what it is.

"It's a thermos," says the brunette, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

" The blonde stares in awe as the brunette pours steaming hot coffee out to show her.

The next day, the blonde is showing off her 'new' thermos to another blonde.

"See this?" she asks. "What is it?" the other blonde asks.

"It's a thermos, and it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold!"

"Oh, what do you have in it?" the new blonde asks.

"Two cups of coffee, and a popsicle!"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" HELLLOOOOOOO......,"answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito always stops sucking when you slap it.

A blonde walked into a hairdresser with headphones on and said to the hairdresser, "

Do anything with my hair, but don't take the earphones off".

So the hairdresser started to cut but was finding it pretty difficult, so he thinks "What could happen if I took the headphones off? ", and he took them off.

The blonde dropped dead straight away.

"Oh My gosh" said the hairdresser, puzzled.

"What is so special about these headphones?" and he put them on.

And out of the headphones, he heard, "Breath In, Breath Out.

Breath In, Breath Out..."

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little blue sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it.

" The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go.

I didn't realize you were a cop.