A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are . I never heard of Circle flies." So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, his s tops and says, Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The cowboy says, "Oh no, trooper. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool those flies though."

CASE REPORT - INDIANAPOLIS METROPOLITAN POLICE DEPARTMENT

INDIANAPOLIS METROPOLITAN POLICE DEPARTMENT
                       FOR PUBLIC RELEASE
                 CASE REPORT: 07-0104431 - 0000

INCIDENT: 584 PUBLIC INTOXICATION
LOCATION: E 62ND ST /N COLLEGE AV
GEO ZONE: 259011  AREA: MND  BEAT: ND52
OCCURRED: 07/08/2007 03:26 TO 07/08/2007 04:00
ARRESTS: 1 INJURED: 0 DEAD: 0 VEHICLE TOWED: 0

PERSON: 1
PERSON INVOLVEMENT: ARR  ARRESTED
PERSON NAME: MCGRATH,JAMES A
RACE: W WHITE  SEX: M MALE
DATE OF BIRTH: 01/22/1982  AGE:  25
ADDRESS: 8318 BENT OAK DR
CITY, STATE, ZIP: INDIANAPOLIS IN 46236
HOME PHONE: (317)826-0710
DATE OF ARREST: 07/08/2007
ARREST LOCATION: E 62ND ST /N COLLEGE AV, INDIANAPOLIS
CHARGE: 07.1-0005-0001-0003 PUBLIC INTOXICATION/MB

NARRATIVE:
ON 07/08/07, AT APPROXIMATELY 0326 HOURS, I WAS TRAVELING NORTHBOUND IN
THE 6100 BLOCK OF N. COLLEGE AVE. IN MY FULLY MARKED IMPD POLICE VEHICLE
AND IN FULL UNIFORM. I HAD MY WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN. I HEARD A MALE VOICE
CALLING FOR A PIG, HE WAS SAYING "SUEY, PIGGY, PIGGY" I LOOKED OVER AND
OBSERVED THREE WHITE MALES AND A WHITE FEMALE WALKING SOUTHBOUND ON THE
EAST SIDE OF N. COLLEGE AVE. ONE OF THE WHITE MALES WEARING BLUE JEANS
AND A LIGHT COLORED BUTTONED UP SHIRT LOOKED DIRECTLY AT ME WITH RED
GLASSY BLOODSHOT EYES AND SAID, "SUEY PIGGY, PIGGY."
I WAS CONCERNED THAT THE MAN HAD LOST HIS PIG AND THAT IT MIGHT HAVE
BEEN ROAMING AROUND IN THE BROAD RIPPLE AREA SO I DECIDED TO STOP AND
ASSIST HIM, BECAUSE I KNOW HOW DEVASTATING A LOST OF PET CAN BE.I
IDENTIFIED THE WHITE MALE SUBJECT FROM AN INDIANA DRIVER'S LICENSE AS
JAMES ADAM MCGRATH, DOB 1/22/82. WHILE I WAS SPEAKING WITH MR. MCGRATH
ABOUT HIS POSSIBLE LOST PIG, I SMELLED A STRONG ODOR COMMONLY ASSOCIATED
WITH ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES ON HIS BREATH AND PERSON. HIS SPEECH WAS ALSO
SLIGHTLY SLURRED. I PLACED MR. MCGRATH UNDER ARREST FOR PUBLIC
INTOXICATION AND HE WAS TRANSPORTED TO THE APC BY A MARION COUNTY JAIL
WAGON.I SEARCHED THE ENTIRE BROAD RIPPLE AREA AND UNFORTUNATELY WAS NOT
ABLE TO LOCATE ANY LOST PIGS. I HOPE I FIND IT BEFORE THE GUY AT DICKS
BODACIS BARBECUE DOES. ALL OF THE ABOVE OCCURRED IN MARION COUNTY,
INDIANAPOLIS , INDIANA .
OFFICER: X0807 SICKELS,CHRISTOPHER L IMPD
OPERATOR: 07/08/2007 06:12 28010 BURNETT,SUELLEN IMPD

 For the final test, the FBI agents took one  of the men to a large  Metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that  you will follow your
 instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife  sitting in a chair Kill  Her!!!"  The man said, "You can't be serious, I could  never shoot my wife."  The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for  this job. Take your wife and go home."
 
The second man was given the same  instructions. He took the gun  and Went into the room. All was quiet for about 5  minutes. The man came
 out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't  kill my wife."  The agent said, "You don't have what it  takes. Take your wife and  go home."
 
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was  given the same  instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun  and went into the  room. Shots were heard immediately, one after  another. They heard  screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a  few minutes, all was  quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the  woman. She wiped the  sweat from her brow and threw the gun to the ground.
 
"That gun is loaded with blanks" she said.  "I had to beat him to  death with the chair."
 
MORAL: Women are dangerous. Don't mess with them.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there    were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an    ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't
know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in goat poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of
yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
(and my favorite . . .)
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You' re right, we don't.
Sign here."

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local
pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to
target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is
now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and
in large "kegs".

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to
persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a
woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless
against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires
to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never
normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only
hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with
just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life
savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship".

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be
shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form
of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage". Apparently, men
are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex
is offered by the predatory females.

Good.....

In Richardson , Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)


BETTER....

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano , Texas A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


BEST! ! ! !

A young woman was pulled over in Austin , Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State
Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The
driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the Head
with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over
in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy
his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and
taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the
trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come
true," replied the trooper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger
asked. "Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road
you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried
that shit with me