What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? Answer: A pimp.

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game."

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough(they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

Where Do Redneck Babies Come From?

Deep in the back woods of South Alabama , a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.  "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down.  I think there's another one coming."

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly Swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn youryard rather than mow it.....(INTERESTING).
5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The salvation army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does....SO WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your Father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table...
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of Improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on Jury Duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

In a small Texas town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

Bubba didn't know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.

The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."

They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"

"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

On a hot blistering summer day, a redneck cowboy come riding into town, on his horse, with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman comes into the bar and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck cowboy replies, "No way the dog is in heat--she's cool cause I got her tied under the shade of the tree." The policeman says, "No! You don't understand; your dog needs to be bred." No way", the redneck cowboys says, "the dog don't need any bread, he's not hungry, because I fed her beef jerky this mornin". Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!" The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.

• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
• When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
• Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
• Don't try to race the hurse in a funeral.
• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
• Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
• Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
• Do not remove the marlbro from your mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss off.
• Put Brush Guards on all our vehicles
• When taking Shortcut off road, be careful as not to hit anyone who might be walking.
• You must have big tires on all vehicles (even cars).
• A Jack Daniels bottle is not a gear shift. Submitted by FTATOM.
• When you get stopped and the officer says he is going to write you a ticket don't tell him, "No thanks, I won't be staying for the drawing."
• When you get gas tell the worker to twist the rag three times because if he doesn't the service light will come on.
• Cattle horns on the hood of your vehicle look like gunsights when possums are crossing the road.
• The race car is not street legal even if you do have a license.
• Never tell your wife that duct tape will fix the fan belt of her car.

What’s a redneck fortune cookie?
A piece of corn bread with a food stamp baked inside

Picture yourself in the middle of the Boonies with no water. What do you do? You reach in your back pocket and pull out a packet of powdered water. Yes, powdered water. Just add water and your powdered water becomes crystal clear drinking water. Only $29.95. Makes a great gift.

What if one night the power in your hose goes off and there is no light at all. You stumble around looking for a flashlight and when you finally find one there's no batteries. What do you do? Throw that flashlight away and buy yourself one of our very own solar powered flashlights. No batteries required, works great! Only $56.69. Everybody should own one.

Do you like canoeing? I know I do, but sometimes I just wish I could go a little faster. Well now I can. Thanks to Ric, my canoe has speed holes in it adn I go a lot faster. Only $3.25 per hole. Thanks Ric.

Let me tell you a story, one day I was flying my helicopter and my stablizer went out. I tried to gain control of it but I was going down too fast. Now in any other helicopter you would crash, but not mine. Thanks to Ric, I bought my helicopter with an ejection seat so before I crashed I just pushed a button and up I flew. Only $2,129.99.

Do you like to spy on your neighbors? Shame on you. But if you do, you can't afford to pass-off this offer. Why for only $45.99 you can own a window with a built in peep hole. This way you can see them, but they can't see you.

Susie lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But joe is yo' half brother.

So susie put aside her joe
And planned to marry will,
But after telling pappy this,
He said, "there's trouble still.

You can't marry will, my gal,
And please don't tell you' mother,
But will and joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.

But mama knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry will or marry joe.
You ain't no kin to pappy

How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.TELL IT TO THE JUDGEA woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander."Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested."Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge

General
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.

Entertaining in your home
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners are.

Personal Hygiene
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it
is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

Weddings
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss and complain.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:

$50 parts

$12 beer

$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!

$1000 Bail

$200 Impound and towing fee

Total: $1337

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray!

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

 9. Your junior prom offered day care.

 10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

• The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
• You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
• You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
• Jack Daniel’s makes your list of "Most Admired People."
• You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
• You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y’all watch this!"
• Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
• The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
• Ya’ can’t git married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a dang law against it.
• You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.
11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
16. You can spit without opening your mouth.
17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it
18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart!
20. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
26. You've asked the preacher, How's it hangin'?
27. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.

You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.

You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

Your dog passes gas and you claim it.

You think paprika is a Third World country.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You have ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. lol!

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't
have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the dark
side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in
through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had
a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

If you hear, "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."