Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth surgeon said, "I like technicians...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
• Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
• I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a
• I don't work here - I'm a consultant.
• It sounds like English, but I don't understand a damn word you're saying.
• Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
• I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.
• I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.   
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion would be?
• Do I look like a f..king people person to you?
• This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Oh, I get it. Like humour. Only different.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
• Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.
• How do I set a laser printer to kill.
• I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
• I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
• Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.  Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.  We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.  Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative  'TRY SAYING'  phrases have been provided so that a proper exchange of ideas and information may continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING:  I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:  You don't know what the f**k you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING:  She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:  She's a f**king bitch.

Number 3
TRY SAYING:  Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:  And when the hell do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING:  I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:  No f**king way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING:  Really?
INSTEAD OF:  You've got to be s**tting me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING:  Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:  Tell someone who gives a s**t.

Number 7
TRY SAYING:  I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:  It's not my f**king problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING:  That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:  What the f**k?

Number 9
TRY SAYING:  I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:  This s**t won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING:  I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:  Why the f**k didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING:  He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:  He's got his head up his ass.

Number 12
TRY SAYING:  Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:  Eat s**t and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING:  So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:  Kiss my ass.

Number 14
TRY SAYING:  I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:  F**k it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING:  I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:  Shove it up your ass.

Number 16
TRY SAYING:  I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:  This f**king job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING:  You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:  Who the f**k died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING:  He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:  He's a prick.

Thank You,
Human Resources

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.  This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar.  Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.

SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's work
place.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a
prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,
subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm,
then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.

Ok, maybe I'm not the guy to do it... I dunno. But lately, it has become more and more apparent that if I don't, no one else is going to. So, I have decided to share with you:

Joe The Peacock's Official Rules Of The Gym.

I have come up with some fairly simple and OH SO necessary guidelines for those of you who have decided to pay your membership dues and head to the mecca for pretention, the local gym. These rules are NOT hard to follow, and I think that anyone and everyone who's ever stepped inside a gym, even to deliver a newspaper, would agree with me on all of them.

First, For The Guys:

1. Stop oogling the girls. It is human nature to look at beautiful things, and the more beautiful they are, the more you want to look. But come on - show some respect. Get a look, go back to whatever it is you were doing.

2. Stop oogling the girls. Seriously. Stop. I know you're a beast and have only six braincells, every one of them tasked with thinking about boobie. But for chrissake, have some decency, you jarhead. You're making them uncomfortable.

3. Stop oogling the girls. Yes, it's THAT bad a problem that I have to say it again.

4. Flex in the mirror at home. Sure, you need the mirror to watch your performance as you lift. And yeah, it's really cool to see yourself as you are all pumped and stuff... but must you do a full pose-down in the presence of everyone there?

5. If you sweat a lot, carry a towel. Wipe down the equipment you use. It's just respectful. No one wants to lay in your salty perspiration - if we did, we'd just walk up to you, turn around, and rub our backs on you like a bear would a tree.

6. Wash your goddamn clothes once in a while. Please.

7. If you cannot bench 315 lbs, don't get your buddy to sit there and "spot" you while the ladies pass by just so you can rattle the plates. Really, this one isn't too huge a deal - you want to damage yourself, fine by me - you're an idiot and deserve the pain. It's just frustrating to sit there and watch you trying to showboat for a crowd what doesn't give a shit.

8. If you don't know how to use a machine or do a certain exercise - ask a staff member or someone doing the exercise to teach you a bit about the equipment and routine.

9. However, don't go asking in the middle of a set. It's called "lane courtesy" and it's a term borrowed from bowling. While someone is concentrating on working out, don't go bugging them.

10. Unless your name is Lee Haney, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Joe Weider, don't give unsolicited lifting advice - Unless you see someone who's risking SERIOUSLY hurting themselves. And even then, be polite about it.

11. Just because she's female does NOT mean she needs or wants you to spot her. Leave her alone and go back to your machine, Randy Pan.

12. The treadmill is NOT the place for a race. Eyes down or straight forward - let other people have what little privacy is afforded them by line-of-sight displays.

13. A Hypothetical situation: let's say there's 5 exercise machines in a group. For the purposes of this discussion, assume the leftmost is #1 and the rightmost is #5, with #2, #3 and #4 falling where you'd logically assume they would. If I am on machine #1 and there is NO ONE ELSE ON ANY OTHER MACHINE, do NOT get on machine #2. Especially if you haven't been following rule #6.

14. Wear a goddamn shirt, you fucking prima donna.

15. To clarify: Shirts consist of a torso and sleeves. If you've cut off half the torso to show your abs, you've failed at rule 14. Same if you've cut off the sleeves. And if you've EVER spent money on a spaghetti-thin single strip of cloth that goes over each shoulder and meets a 2" wide peice of fabric around your waist, you're a disgrace to humanity and should IMMEDIATELY proceed to the vascectomy clinic to save the human race from your spawn.

16. SHUT THE FUCK UP. No one cares what you bench, used to bench, will be benching, etc. and so forth. Write it in a journal at the gym, and if you really need to talk about it, read it aloud to yourself when you get home.

17. Grunting is understandable and ok - yelling is not. Quit trying to draw attention to your Herculaean efforts by screaming like a banshee.

----------------

Now, because I am not one, I don't really know much about the rules for women as they apply to other women. But I do have a few guidelines for you gals.

So, For the Girls:

1. QUIT ENCOURAGING THE GUYS. Christ... this is the GYM. It's not a single's bar, quit treating it like one. I'm ESPECIALLY talking to those of you who laugh and flirt and flip your hair all over the place and blatantly poke your ass out when there's a guy present, and then get all pissy and angry when his eyes become glued to it. Wonder why the guys break rules # 1-3 in their list, making you feel so gosh darned uncomfortable? It's in part because you broke this rule. And while I'm at it,

2. NO MAKEUP. you come here specifically to get sweaty, and the last I checked, Mabellyene has not a single product geared toward gym use.

3. Closed-toed shoes only, please. I know you're a girl, and as such, you're not supposed to stink, but your toes sweat just like mine do.

4. Wear appropriately fitting workout clothing. Before you leave the house / locker room, look in the mirror again. and again. Ask your friends. Ask them again. It's one thing to wear close-fitting workout-specific clothing and spandex. Its another thing entirely to wear those clothes one size too small because you think they tighten your flab and make you look like J-Lo from the back. THey don't - if your ass and legs looks like a chewed wad of bubblegum out of spandex, they look that way IN spandex.

--------------

And then, there are a few things that really apply to everyone in general.

For everyone:

1. Stop comparing yourself to everyone in the building. You are there for YOU. Who cares if you lift more or less than anyone else, if you run slower or faster, if you can swim farther and faster, etc? If you're an athlete, relish in your own performance and quit grandstanding for those smaller / weaker / less fit than you. If you're a beginner or are just starting out, quit giving a shit about what other people may or may not be thinking about you right now - get in there and work your hardest.

2. Don't laugh at the fat guy / girl. They're there just like you are, they're working just as hard as you are. In almost every way possible, they're 10x the athlete you are - not only did they show up to the gym to get better, they did it amidst snickering and comments from assholes like you - and that takes more guts than you'll EVER have.

3. Don't spit in the water fountain - spit in the sink in the locker room or in the trashcan.

4. Passing wind is a natural occurance, especially if you are exerting yourself. If someone lets one or 2 fly, or burps a little while running, just grow up and let it slide. That said,

5. Don't go farting all over the place. If you ate something last night that didn't agree with you and your intestines are blowing like the foghorn of an icecutter, STAY HOME AND RUN AROUND THE BLOCK. If one's coming up and you can at all help it, sneak off to the corner or in the locker room and do it there.

6. Wipe down the goddamn equipment when you're done with it. And YES, you need to wipe off the bridge of the bike / crosstraining machine, you need to wipe off the display of the treadmill, you need to wipe off the handlegrips, and you need to wipe off the bench / seat of whatever you were sitting on. All of these things are entailed in WIPING DOWN THE GODDAMN EQUIPMENT.

7. Be curteous with "working in". There are quite a few unspoken rules of the gym, and this used to be one of them until now. It goes like this:
" If you are alone and you see another solo person working out on equipment you need to use, wait until they are done with the set and ask nicely if they mind if you work in.
" If you are alone and there are 2 people on your needed equipment, it's a bit less kosher to work in. If you can help it, wait.
" If you are alone and there's 3 or more folks, just wait or use something else.
" If you are not alone, you don't work in unless invited. Do not ask. Not even if it's just one guy and every other peice of equipment is taken. It's one thing to be by yourself and work into a team's routine, but it's just wrong to impose a 2-person waiting period into someone's workout.

8. When you need to wait on equpiment - do so at a close enough distance to indicate you're waiting on that machine but a far enough distance that you are not crowding whoever's currently on it. And don't stare at the person on it currently - it's uncomfortable enough knowing you're holding someone up, so don't make them feel like more of a jerk by making them think you mind.

9. When someone else is waiting on your machine - cut down on the lollygagging. If you're with a buddy, don't clown around between sets and make the person / people wait on your goofy ass. It's just rude.

10. Eat somewhere else. Don't eat your energy bar / granola nut cluster / peanut-butter-coated-pinecone-rolled-in-birdseed when you're on the equipment.

11. Don't sing along with your walkman. If you're singing along with whatever shitty music they're piping over the speakers in the club, that's kinda annoying. But there's NOTHING more annoying than some dipshit trying to be the next Ashlee Simpson while listening to the song over their headphones. It's not karaoke, and you're liable to get a 5lb plate hurled at you.

12. DO. NOT. WEAR. COLOGNE. OR. PERFUME. TO. THE. GYM. Just dont. (Submitted by Andrea)

13. If you take it out put it away. Pick up the dumbells when your done with them. Remove the plates from the bars and put them back on the rack. Hang the jumpropes and weightbelts back on the hooks. Don't be a gym slob - pick up after yourself. (submitted by J2000_ca)

-----------------

I think everyone will agree that these rules are not out of line. In fact, I think everyone would agree that they are really very simple and direct. AND NECESSARY. Please share them with anyone you know that attends a gym or otherwise works out. Encourage your local gym manager to visit this site, print them out, and post them on the wall, or if you're brave enough, just do it yourself. And if you have a rule you'd like to add, please let me know in the comments.

And no, this isn't a potential chapter in the book, and it's not my way of getting around posting a story. It's just something that really, really needed to be said.

Thank you.

• CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe."
• Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."
• Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, "It is Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."
• Company softball team downsized to chess team.
• Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.
• Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."
• Company president now driving a Hyundai.
• Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat Booth.
• Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.
• Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.
• Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet.
• Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"

This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."

"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."

There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK".

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else; do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain. Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry. I think I have five friends, but I am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway.... it never hurts to be safe. When I begin to see double, that will just mean that I have more than five friends!

Always give 100% at work.......

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen, yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

• CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk! an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
• FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
• ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel un! easy.
• JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
• COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
• WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks ! in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH .
• OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
• THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
• SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
• TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
• CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to ! alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
• ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace
• WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
• HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with! an Astaire.
• UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.