--Do you work for UPS? 'Cause I swear I saw you checking out my package!

--Come on baby, sex is like pizza: Even if it's bad, it's still pretty good.

--I wish you were a carousel at Wal-Mart so I could ride you all day long for just a quarter!!

--Hey baby, will you be my love buffet so I can lay you on the table and take what I want?

--All those curves, and me with no brakes........

--If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon

--I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day

--I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen -one?

--Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

--There's a party at your ankles... why don't you invite your pants down?

--If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

--I'm like a tropical island: hot exotic and open for tourists

--I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

--How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

--My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

--You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

--Your name must be Visa, because you're everywhere I want to be.

--I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

--Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

--I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

--You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

--Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

--Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.

--You got more game than a playstation

Two friends were in a bar when one pulled out a cigar.

He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

'I sure do,' he replied while he reached into his jacket and pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter.

'Wow!' said his friend, 'Where did you get that cool monster lighter?'

'I got it from my genie.'

'You have a genie?'

'Yes I do, right here in my jacket pocket.'

'Could I see him?'

He uncorks a bottle he pulls from his pocket and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, 'Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes I will', the genie replies.

The friend then asks the genie ‘please give me a million bucks’. The genie hops back into the bottle and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the door crashes open and the sound of a million ducks storming into the bar is heard. The bar rapidly fills with loud quacking ducks.

The friend yells to his buddy, 'I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

He yells back, 'I forgot to tell you this, but I suspect that my genie is bit hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?!?!

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

Bridging the Gap A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said:  "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said: "Lord, please build a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required would have to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says  nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "'Bout that bridge -- you want two lanes or four?"

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed.

You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do keep 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and finally said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.

Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Gennifer, Paula, and Monica.

I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior.

However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding.

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill replied, "Well whenever the box filled up with cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fellah did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'.

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice...

"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool... They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos-about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man... ya'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning way, laughing, looking sick. Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"DARN Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

• "IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
• Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
• If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
• Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
• The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
• I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
• So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
• Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
• If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
• Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
• Illiterate? Write For Help.
• Honk If Anything Falls Off.
• Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
• He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit.
• I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
• You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
• I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
• Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
• (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
• Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Also Are Timed For 70 mph
• Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
• If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
• Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
• Boldly Going Nowhere.
• Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
• Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
• Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
• How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
• GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
• All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
• "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON

Alice and Frank were Bungee-jumping one day. Alice said to Frank, "You
know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool
their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord,
insurance, etc.

They travel to Progresso, Mexico and begin to set up on the square at
the end of the bridge. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd
begins to assemble.

Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they
had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good
idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes
back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again,
bounces and comes back up again.

This time, she's bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice
falls again and bounces back up.

This time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches
her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine...it
was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?!"

A guy in his senior year in high school wanted to bring his girlfriend over to his house for a little action, but he still had to share a room with his 9-year-old brother.
They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.

The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

Lettuce!

Tomato!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over me!!

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is - You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed," That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed," That's Advertising. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Telemarketing. You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand Recognition. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" ..... That's Junk Mail. You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass ... That's Arnold Schwarzenegger! YOU LIKED IT, BUT 20 YEARS LATER YOUR ATTORNEY. DECIDES YOU WERE OFFENDED. THAT'S AMERICA!!

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
The husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick
of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."