We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem the kitchen.  Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it. "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"  There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.  It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal; drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter...and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about  my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!  Why is it that only the women laugh at this?. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my! Wife, Deb, call out to me from

An American will say, "Hot day!" A Canadian will say, "Hot day, eh?" meaning "It's a hot day, isn't it?"

This is something deeper than spelling or pronunciation. It goes to the heart of the less-assertive Canadian character. The United States was born when Americans revolted against King George III and asserted their independence. Canada never came to a similar point of self-assertion and that little word "eh?" is their refusal even to assert that it's a hot day without inviting somebody else to verify it.

One definition of a Candian is "a North American who refuses to join the revolution".

Another way to tell the difference between a Canadian and an American is to invite the suspected Canuck to lunch and watch him eat. If he's really upper crust, he'll eat like an Englishman, with knife and fork held firmly in his right and left hands. He'll cut with his knife, pack the results on the back of his fork and convey the food to his mouth with the fork still in this left hand.

Many an American eats with knife and fork, too, but in a different way. He takes the knife in his right hand and the fork in his left to cut up the food. Then he puts the knife down and takes the fork in the right hand to convey the food to his mouth.

A common garden-variety Canadian does the job differently. He doesn't use his knife at all, except for particularly stubborn steaks and other such tough foods. Instead he takes the fork in his right hand and leaves the knife beside his plate. Then he cuts the food with the edge of the fork and feeds himself with the fork held in the same hand.

But suppose all these tests are inconclusive. There's one more, rather dangerous, way to tell a Canadian from an American. Just remark to the suspect that Canadians and Americans are so much alike that it's hard to tell one from the other. If the person involved is an American, he'll probably agree.

But if he's a Canadian he'll let you know, in no unterms, that you're wrong. And that stubborn sense of difference is one main reason why the two countries, despite similarities, remain separate.

(I'm pretty sure I agree with the last statement, but I'm not too sure if I like being called a wimp that doesn't even dare to assert that it's a hot day. (Which it is today.) And I'm tremendously relieved to know that I'm upper crust when it comes to eating. -KO)

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate = ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

A 2nd grade teacher was reading Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the Farmer. She asked and who can tell me what the Farmer said? A little girl waves her hand in the air. The Teacher says “Yes, Tiffany, what did he say?” She said, “I think he said "Holy S**t a Talking Chicken!”

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead o f us stood up and waved.   She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my  5-year-old shout
from the back seat,  "Mom!   That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother.   The note read,  "The opinions expressed by this child are
not necessarily those of his parents."


3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.   During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone.   "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.  
She's hitting the bottle."


4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room.   When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover.   The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked,   "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little
boy before ?"


5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.   Looking up and down
at my uniform, she asked,  "Are you a cop?"  "Yes," I answered and continued
writing the report.   "My mother said if I ever needed help I should
ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.   "Well,
then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my
shoe?

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station.   As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me  "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.   Puzzled, the boy looked at me and
then towards the back of the van.   Finally he said,   "What'd he do?"


7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.  She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers and wheelchairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair
of false teeth soaking in a glass.  As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy
will never believe this!"


8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.  When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit." "And why not, darling?""You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "


9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.  Apparently,
his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.  The
minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
goooes."


10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.   "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write
and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had
been pressed in between the pages.  "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

• Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
• Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
• Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
• Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
• Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
• Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
• War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
• Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
• Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, theSwiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germanydoesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?"

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

 The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Johnny Jenkins?'
 
'Yes, Father, it is.'
 
'And who was the girl you were with?'
 
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
 
'Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as 
well tell me now. Was it Tina Johnson?'
 
I cannot say.'
 
'Was it Teresa Volpe?'
 
'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Campbell?'
 
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
 
Was it Cathy Peterson?'
 
'My lips are sealed.'
 
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
 
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
 
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Johnny,and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend slides over and whispers, 
'What'd you get?'

 '4 months vacation and five good leads.'

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." Moral: Never put a woman to the test!!

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now
dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from
her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of
nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you
doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of
an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were
wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy
godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the
beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage
returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for
years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish;
what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome
young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of
him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new
life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother
was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and
Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly
perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair
with his warm breath as he whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me .

A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are .

I never heard of Circle flies." So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches.

See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, his s tops and says, Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "Oh no, trooper. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool those flies though."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. '
He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed.
When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks,
"What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies.
"Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!"

You just gotta love cowboys!!!

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too.

I didn't know we had a choice.

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the
bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No". "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy.The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.

One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke.

After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette.

The other lady asked, "What's that for?"

The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain."

The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea."

The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please."

The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?"

The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."
Outta Ammo

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrives and bets twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, "I WON, I WON!" She hugs each of the dealers and then picks up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departs.The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."Moral: not all people from Alabama are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!