"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
| HARD WORK vs TODAYS SOCIETY |
Category: Misc Jokes |
This hits the nail right smack on the head. If this doesn't sum it up I
don't know what does!!!!!!
OLD VERSION OF THE STORY:
The Ant works hard performing his tasks all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks he is a fool and laughs, dances and plays the
summer away.
Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food
or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Work hard and be responsible for yourself.
MODERN VERSION OF THE STORY:
The Ant works hard performing his task, building his house and laying
up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks he is a fool and
laughs, dances and plays the summer away.
Come Winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a Press Conference and
demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed, while
others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
Grasshopper and to video him standing next to the Ant, who is sitting at his table
filled with food.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the Grasshopper, and everybody
cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green". Jessie Jackson stages a
demonstration in front of the Ant's house where the News Stations film
the group singing "We Shall Overcome". Jessie then has the group kneel down
to pray to God for the Grasshopper's sake.
Tom Daschle and Walter Mondale exclaim, in an interview, with Peter
Jennings that the Ant has gotten rich off the back of the Grasshopper, and both
call for an immediate tax hike on the Ant to make him pay his fair share".
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper
Act", retroactive to the beginning of summer.The Ant is then fined for
failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to
pay his retroactive taxes, the Ant's home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the Grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the Ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal
judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare recipients.
The Ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the Grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
the Ant's food, while the government's house he is in, "which just happens
to be the Ant's old house", crumbles around him, because he doesn't maintain
it.
The Ant has disappeared in the snow. The Grasshopper is found dead in a
drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang
of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican
| HARLEY-DAVIDSON |
Category: Misc Jokes |
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me....
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, " Ah, yes." "Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
| HECK OF A SALESMAN |
Category: Misc Jokes |
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customer a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? ! What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat,so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said ,'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
| HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT |
Category: Misc Jokes |
The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls
are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume
of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct ...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of
a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God.
| HIGH PRIORITY |
Category: Misc Jokes |
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both
of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing
left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and
be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
Must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's
another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head
in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back
to the woman. The woman take the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.
| HOSPITAL TOUR |
Category: Misc Jokes |
A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
”Oh my God,” screamed the woman, “That’s disgraceful! Why is he doing that?”
The doctor giving her the tour explained, “I am very sorry, but this man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, he’ll be in extreme pain and his testicles could rupture.”
”Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s ok,” said the woman.
In the very next room, they could see that a nurse was giving oral sex on another male patient.
Again, the woman screamed, “Oh my God, how can that be justified?”
The doctor replied, “Same illness, better health plan.”
| HOW DOES A MAN EXCERCISE AT THE BEACH |
Category: Misc Jokes |
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
| HOW DOES THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE |
Category: Misc Jokes |
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady= behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card umber, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.
Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.
The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister.
" I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank.
Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had thi question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.
Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
| HOW GOOD IS YOUR POWER OF OBSERVATION AND MEMORY |
Category: Misc Jokes |
The average person only gets 7 correct. This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really see!
There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think-it just shows you how little we pay attention to the commonplace things of life.
Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!
Can you beat 23?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers as you go. Check answers (on the bottom), AFTER completing all the questions.
REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...
Here we go!
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)
7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
14. Which way do fans rotate?
15 How many sides does a stop sign have?
16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
| HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. |
Category: Misc Jokes |
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!
| HOW TO MAKE BABIES |
Category: Misc Jokes |
Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mother that today in class they had learned how to make babies. The mother, rather shaken by the development, called the teacher to complain.
After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher responded, "Did you ask her to explain how it is done?"
"No," said the mother.
"Then ask her and call me back," replied the teacher.
"So how DO you make babies?" the mother asked her daughter.
Susie responded, "You drop the 'y' and add 'ies.'"
| HOW TO TREAT |
Category: Misc Jokes |
How to Treat a Woman:
Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How to Treat a Man:
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings and Beer.
Don't block the TV
| HUSBAND & WIFE AT WALMART |
Category: Misc Jokes |
A husband and wife are shopping at the local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their shopping cart.
What do you think you're doing asks the wife?
They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans, he replies.
Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife. So he does and they
continue shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the shopping cart.
What do you think you're doing, asks the husband?
That's my face cream....it makes me look beautiful, replies the wife.
The husband retorts: So does 24 cans of Budweiser & at half the price!"
