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KIDS COMMENTS

Category: Misc Jokes

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

KNOXVILLE BARBIE

Category: Misc Jokes

Mattel announces limited-edition Barbie dolls for the Knoxville metropolitan market: _________________

Sequoyah Hills Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at Knox Plaza. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign lap-dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a water feature in front. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with a Porsche.
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Halls Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can swear in English, Spanish, Chinese, Korean or Vietnamese, but she's not sure which is which. Available at Target.
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Lonsdale Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
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Farragut Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set and country club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Spanish-speaking Nanny. Farragut Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early 80's.
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Andersonville Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small,a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at Roane State College. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Oak Ridge Mall.
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Maynardville Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Andersonville Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, and a see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's dream double wide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.
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Karns Barbie
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard print spandex and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. Into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and botox. Also cheap.
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Five Points Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a G. E. D. and bus pass to Walters State College. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant doll.
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Fountain City Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll,but if you purchase two Decatur Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker free.
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Holston Hills Barbie
Pregnant at purchase, Holston Hills Barbie drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on business. Holston Hills Barbie aspires to become Farragut Barbie---cheap, but still very naive.
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Bearden Barbie
Into football, animals and bonfires. 98% belong to a cult, 2% are freethinking and void of any "traditions." Does nothing but complain about Farragut Barbie/Ken.
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Morristown Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available for Morristown Barbie or Ken. Available only at Value City.
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Sevierville Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts. Likes to "experiment." Doesn't understand why Morristown Barbie complains so much.