A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.

Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothng had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say.. if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price!"

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
"covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years,
whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel
drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 38 of the 50 states the recorded last words
of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Sh** !"
Only the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, Oklahoma,
Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana and
Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my
beer, I'm gonna try somethin."

Many years ago in a small Indian village, A farmer had the misfortune Of
owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender. The Moneylender,
who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful Daughter. So he
proposed a bargain.

He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his beautiful
daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the
Proposal.

So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let
Providence decide the matter.

He told them that he would put a black Pebble and a white pebble into an
empty money bag. Then the girl w ould Have to pick one pebble from the
bag.

1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her
father's debt would be forgiven.

2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her
father's debt would still be forgiven.

3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into
Jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As
They talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he Picked
them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two Black pebbles
and put them into the bag.

He then asked the girl to pick A pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have
Done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you Have told
her?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag And
expose the money-lender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order
To save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with The
hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral And
logical thinking.

The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with
Traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses
The above logical answers.

What would you recommend to the Girl to do?

Well, here is what she did ....

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without
Looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path
Where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the
Bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I
Picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had
Picked the white one.
And since the money-lender dared not admit his Dishonesty, the girl
changed what seemed an impossible situation into An extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't
Attempt to think.

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke.

Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex.

Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh well, I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Gotta watch those little old ladies!

Their minds are always working!

The Boss was in a quandary. He had to fire somebody.

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Kathy or Jack. It was an
impossible decision, they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used
the water cooler the next morning.

Kathy came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Kathy, I've never done this before, but
I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

You may not realize it, but

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

And always remember when life hands you Lemons, never mind making lemonade.

Ask for tequila and salt and call me over

Guy walked into a bathroom and started pissing He looked over and saw a really little man taking a piss. The guy looked over at him and said, "Hello." The little man said, "Hi, I'm a leprechaun!" The guy was amazed. The leprechaun said "I like you. I am going to grant you 3 wishes."

The guy was skeptical but he decided to go along with it. The guy said, "Okay, I want a big house." The leprechaun said, "When you return home, you will have a huge mansion!"

The guy said, "And then I want a beautiful woman for my own." The leprechaun said, "I will give you a woman so wonderful you will never look at anyone else."

The guy didn't know what to wish for 3rd. He looked over and saw the size of this leprechaun's dick. It was huge. He said "Okay, my third wish is to have a big dick as big as yours." The leprechaun said, "I'll give it to you if you let me screw you up the butt."

The guy didn't want to, but he really wanted a big dick. So the two were tearing it up! All the sudden the guy yelled out, "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me up the butt!" Then the leprechaun said, "I can't believe you think I am a leprechaun."

LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand -to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Carol

Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"

The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister" says the little girl.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'

There was once this little boy, and everyday he
walked home from school past a little girls house.

One day this little girl was playing outside, so
the little boy walked up to her with his brand new
football and said "see this football? This is a boy's toy
and only boys can play with this".

So the little girl got angry and ran inside to
tell her mother.

The very next day the little girl showed her brand
new football to the little boy, who got angry and ran
home.

The next day the little boy showed up with a brand
new boy's bike and said" see this bike? this is a boys
toy and only boys can play with it".

So the little girl got angry and ran inside to
tell her mother, and the very next day had a brand new
boy's bike.

The little boy got so angry he pulled down his
pants and said" you see this, only boys can have this,
girls can't".

And again the little girl ran inside to tell her
mother.

The next day the little boy came back and asked
her if she had gotten one.

The little girl pulled up her shirt and said, "My
mommy says as long as I have a pair of these, I can get
as many of those as I want.

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Tony says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking

I,[INSERT NAME HERE] , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable  amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:  

Chocolate
CHERRY COKE  
chocolate SHAKE 
Hamburger  
chocolate
SPAGHETTI
chocolate
French fries
chocolate ice cream
cup of tea
chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes,and turn out the lights - "The party's over!!!" 

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake
happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no
answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and
yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far
away.......................
"We're down here."

Its Wednesday morning - hump day - we can make it two more days - say "I think I can, I think I can." Everyone needs a good laugh this morning. Even if you've heard it before, you'll laugh again. I did. PW . An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION; AND I'D LIKE THE SAME
DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans.

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the Louisiana woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years.

We get our chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless

This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown! But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk)

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."