BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.

SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's work
place.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a
prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,
subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm,
then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.

Ok, maybe I'm not the guy to do it... I dunno. But lately, it has become more and more apparent that if I don't, no one else is going to. So, I have decided to share with you:

Joe The Peacock's Official Rules Of The Gym.

I have come up with some fairly simple and OH SO necessary guidelines for those of you who have decided to pay your membership dues and head to the mecca for pretention, the local gym. These rules are NOT hard to follow, and I think that anyone and everyone who's ever stepped inside a gym, even to deliver a newspaper, would agree with me on all of them.

First, For The Guys:

1. Stop oogling the girls. It is human nature to look at beautiful things, and the more beautiful they are, the more you want to look. But come on - show some respect. Get a look, go back to whatever it is you were doing.

2. Stop oogling the girls. Seriously. Stop. I know you're a beast and have only six braincells, every one of them tasked with thinking about boobie. But for chrissake, have some decency, you jarhead. You're making them uncomfortable.

3. Stop oogling the girls. Yes, it's THAT bad a problem that I have to say it again.

4. Flex in the mirror at home. Sure, you need the mirror to watch your performance as you lift. And yeah, it's really cool to see yourself as you are all pumped and stuff... but must you do a full pose-down in the presence of everyone there?

5. If you sweat a lot, carry a towel. Wipe down the equipment you use. It's just respectful. No one wants to lay in your salty perspiration - if we did, we'd just walk up to you, turn around, and rub our backs on you like a bear would a tree.

6. Wash your goddamn clothes once in a while. Please.

7. If you cannot bench 315 lbs, don't get your buddy to sit there and "spot" you while the ladies pass by just so you can rattle the plates. Really, this one isn't too huge a deal - you want to damage yourself, fine by me - you're an idiot and deserve the pain. It's just frustrating to sit there and watch you trying to showboat for a crowd what doesn't give a shit.

8. If you don't know how to use a machine or do a certain exercise - ask a staff member or someone doing the exercise to teach you a bit about the equipment and routine.

9. However, don't go asking in the middle of a set. It's called "lane courtesy" and it's a term borrowed from bowling. While someone is concentrating on working out, don't go bugging them.

10. Unless your name is Lee Haney, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Joe Weider, don't give unsolicited lifting advice - Unless you see someone who's risking SERIOUSLY hurting themselves. And even then, be polite about it.

11. Just because she's female does NOT mean she needs or wants you to spot her. Leave her alone and go back to your machine, Randy Pan.

12. The treadmill is NOT the place for a race. Eyes down or straight forward - let other people have what little privacy is afforded them by line-of-sight displays.

13. A Hypothetical situation: let's say there's 5 exercise machines in a group. For the purposes of this discussion, assume the leftmost is #1 and the rightmost is #5, with #2, #3 and #4 falling where you'd logically assume they would. If I am on machine #1 and there is NO ONE ELSE ON ANY OTHER MACHINE, do NOT get on machine #2. Especially if you haven't been following rule #6.

14. Wear a goddamn shirt, you fucking prima donna.

15. To clarify: Shirts consist of a torso and sleeves. If you've cut off half the torso to show your abs, you've failed at rule 14. Same if you've cut off the sleeves. And if you've EVER spent money on a spaghetti-thin single strip of cloth that goes over each shoulder and meets a 2" wide peice of fabric around your waist, you're a disgrace to humanity and should IMMEDIATELY proceed to the vascectomy clinic to save the human race from your spawn.

16. SHUT THE FUCK UP. No one cares what you bench, used to bench, will be benching, etc. and so forth. Write it in a journal at the gym, and if you really need to talk about it, read it aloud to yourself when you get home.

17. Grunting is understandable and ok - yelling is not. Quit trying to draw attention to your Herculaean efforts by screaming like a banshee.

----------------

Now, because I am not one, I don't really know much about the rules for women as they apply to other women. But I do have a few guidelines for you gals.

So, For the Girls:

1. QUIT ENCOURAGING THE GUYS. Christ... this is the GYM. It's not a single's bar, quit treating it like one. I'm ESPECIALLY talking to those of you who laugh and flirt and flip your hair all over the place and blatantly poke your ass out when there's a guy present, and then get all pissy and angry when his eyes become glued to it. Wonder why the guys break rules # 1-3 in their list, making you feel so gosh darned uncomfortable? It's in part because you broke this rule. And while I'm at it,

2. NO MAKEUP. you come here specifically to get sweaty, and the last I checked, Mabellyene has not a single product geared toward gym use.

3. Closed-toed shoes only, please. I know you're a girl, and as such, you're not supposed to stink, but your toes sweat just like mine do.

4. Wear appropriately fitting workout clothing. Before you leave the house / locker room, look in the mirror again. and again. Ask your friends. Ask them again. It's one thing to wear close-fitting workout-specific clothing and spandex. Its another thing entirely to wear those clothes one size too small because you think they tighten your flab and make you look like J-Lo from the back. THey don't - if your ass and legs looks like a chewed wad of bubblegum out of spandex, they look that way IN spandex.

--------------

And then, there are a few things that really apply to everyone in general.

For everyone:

1. Stop comparing yourself to everyone in the building. You are there for YOU. Who cares if you lift more or less than anyone else, if you run slower or faster, if you can swim farther and faster, etc? If you're an athlete, relish in your own performance and quit grandstanding for those smaller / weaker / less fit than you. If you're a beginner or are just starting out, quit giving a shit about what other people may or may not be thinking about you right now - get in there and work your hardest.

2. Don't laugh at the fat guy / girl. They're there just like you are, they're working just as hard as you are. In almost every way possible, they're 10x the athlete you are - not only did they show up to the gym to get better, they did it amidst snickering and comments from assholes like you - and that takes more guts than you'll EVER have.

3. Don't spit in the water fountain - spit in the sink in the locker room or in the trashcan.

4. Passing wind is a natural occurance, especially if you are exerting yourself. If someone lets one or 2 fly, or burps a little while running, just grow up and let it slide. That said,

5. Don't go farting all over the place. If you ate something last night that didn't agree with you and your intestines are blowing like the foghorn of an icecutter, STAY HOME AND RUN AROUND THE BLOCK. If one's coming up and you can at all help it, sneak off to the corner or in the locker room and do it there.

6. Wipe down the goddamn equipment when you're done with it. And YES, you need to wipe off the bridge of the bike / crosstraining machine, you need to wipe off the display of the treadmill, you need to wipe off the handlegrips, and you need to wipe off the bench / seat of whatever you were sitting on. All of these things are entailed in WIPING DOWN THE GODDAMN EQUIPMENT.

7. Be curteous with "working in". There are quite a few unspoken rules of the gym, and this used to be one of them until now. It goes like this:
" If you are alone and you see another solo person working out on equipment you need to use, wait until they are done with the set and ask nicely if they mind if you work in.
" If you are alone and there are 2 people on your needed equipment, it's a bit less kosher to work in. If you can help it, wait.
" If you are alone and there's 3 or more folks, just wait or use something else.
" If you are not alone, you don't work in unless invited. Do not ask. Not even if it's just one guy and every other peice of equipment is taken. It's one thing to be by yourself and work into a team's routine, but it's just wrong to impose a 2-person waiting period into someone's workout.

8. When you need to wait on equpiment - do so at a close enough distance to indicate you're waiting on that machine but a far enough distance that you are not crowding whoever's currently on it. And don't stare at the person on it currently - it's uncomfortable enough knowing you're holding someone up, so don't make them feel like more of a jerk by making them think you mind.

9. When someone else is waiting on your machine - cut down on the lollygagging. If you're with a buddy, don't clown around between sets and make the person / people wait on your goofy ass. It's just rude.

10. Eat somewhere else. Don't eat your energy bar / granola nut cluster / peanut-butter-coated-pinecone-rolled-in-birdseed when you're on the equipment.

11. Don't sing along with your walkman. If you're singing along with whatever shitty music they're piping over the speakers in the club, that's kinda annoying. But there's NOTHING more annoying than some dipshit trying to be the next Ashlee Simpson while listening to the song over their headphones. It's not karaoke, and you're liable to get a 5lb plate hurled at you.

12. DO. NOT. WEAR. COLOGNE. OR. PERFUME. TO. THE. GYM. Just dont. (Submitted by Andrea)

13. If you take it out put it away. Pick up the dumbells when your done with them. Remove the plates from the bars and put them back on the rack. Hang the jumpropes and weightbelts back on the hooks. Don't be a gym slob - pick up after yourself. (submitted by J2000_ca)

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I think everyone will agree that these rules are not out of line. In fact, I think everyone would agree that they are really very simple and direct. AND NECESSARY. Please share them with anyone you know that attends a gym or otherwise works out. Encourage your local gym manager to visit this site, print them out, and post them on the wall, or if you're brave enough, just do it yourself. And if you have a rule you'd like to add, please let me know in the comments.

And no, this isn't a potential chapter in the book, and it's not my way of getting around posting a story. It's just something that really, really needed to be said.

Thank you.

Oil Change instructions for Women:
 
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
 
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee:         $1.00
Total:           $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
 
1)  Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2)  Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3)  Open a beer and drink it.
4)  Jack car up.  Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5)  Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6)  In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7)  Place drain pan under engine.
8)  Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9)  Give up and use crescent wrench.
10)  Unscrew drain plug.
11)  Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil:  splash hot oil on you in process.  Cuss.
12)  Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.  Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13)  Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14)  Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15)  Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16)  Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.  Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid
      environmental penalties.  Drink a beer.
17)  Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18)  Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19)  Remember drain plug from step 11.
20)  Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21)  Drink beer.
22)  Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.  Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23)  Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.  Drink beer.
24)  Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.  Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.  Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
       plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25)  Begin cussing fit.
26)  Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27)  Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28)  Beer.
29)  Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30)  Beer.
31)  Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32)  Beer.
33)  Lower car from jack stands.
34)  Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35)  Beer.
36)  Test drive car.
37)  Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38)  Car gets impounded.
39)  Call loving wife, make bail.
40)  12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
 
Money spent:
Parts:              $50.00
DUI:                $2500.00
Impound fee:  $75.00
Bail:                 $1500.00
Beer:               $20.00
Total:              $4,145.00 But you know the job was done right!

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, lived a
beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the
Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his d esire
would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his
colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's
chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that
he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to
satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold
coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the
Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of
itching powder and poured a little bit into the
Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she
dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address
this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the
King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied
for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and
that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick
the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure
the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon
Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the
Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,
which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the
next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the
Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and
Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as
a hero. Upon returning to his ch amber , Nick the
Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding
his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his
obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer
couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio
the Physician could never report this matter to the
King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a
massive dose of the same itching powder into the
King's underwear. The King immediately summoned
Nick the Dragon Slayer...

The moral of the story - - - - - - - - - - - - Pay
your Bills!!!

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, Ralph and his wife, Mildred, decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion: "What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, Ralph held his long face down without anything to say as Mildred began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 -- 10 -- 15 minutes of listening to Mildred, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Mildred just sat there -- speechless.

Ralph was staring in disbelief at what had just happened.

The counselor said: "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

Ralph scratched his head for a moment and replied: "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

 I think the police are still looking for the body!
 Husband and wife are in bed together.
 She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
 She: "Oh, that feels good."
 His hand moves to her breast.
 She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
 His hand moves to her leg.
 She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
 But he stops.
 She: "Why did you stop?"
 He: "I found the remote."

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his  window.
The bee said, "What  seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of  gas."
The bee told the man  to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an  entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank.
After a few  minutes, the bees flew out.   "Try it now," said  one bee.
The man turned the  ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man  exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?