A young couple, just married, was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "And don't you forget it! I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
Bob stood over his tee shot on the long 18th for what seemed an eternity. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What the heck is taking you so "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Bob "For God's sakes," his companion exclaimed.
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following: There would be
When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.
A woman walked into a pharmacy and said she wanted to purchase some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, "Just a minute, I'll have to ask My husband," she said. She went out to Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, I told you a thousand We have Blue Cross
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires,hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery."
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires,hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery."
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly . He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock. "So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" "Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"
A pirate walked into a bar and he had a steering wheel shoved down his pants.
The Pirate replied, “Arrgh, yes, and it’s driving me nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. A: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put in shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest asked "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you," said the lady. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. ~ Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES. ~ Love Fred At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Okay, you can plant the potatoes now. That ~ Love Fred
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the (Like THAT makes sense.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is (Do they look different reversed?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also (A brick?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!") *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
And deflower young virgins, who pay
Them for the privilege of having sex
For the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any (Ah! Justice!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in (But of course!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the (Makes one shudder at the thought.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with (Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
Always falls over on its right side
When intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???) (Did the government pay
For this research??) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And I thought I had bad)
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,one by one - "Just a minute, I have to go piss" The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite." "What about you John, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table". "And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper." The teacher fainted
Prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00" A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled ... "Their So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign The following day found the same police officer in the area when Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!". 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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