There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal"??

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can? She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail, one for each peach".

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "

The husband said,"She also stole a can of peas".

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing redhead. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the redhead proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this redhead, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the redhead pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The redhead pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the redhead says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The redhead then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Replace all current female flight attendants with good- lookin'

strippers! What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and

haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's

the loss? The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple

the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in

the cabin.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing

naked women. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman

in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked

women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline

industry would see record revenues.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do

everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away..
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Remember, it's not,
"How high are you?"
it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington, DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.

No wonder you always go home alone..
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Aye from
Georgia.. This guy should run for President one day...

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone
get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of
debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren,
hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense
guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other
liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole
lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require
a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any
other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but
no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is
based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You
may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but
the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans
are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in
need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the
creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.! (This one
is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....don't expect everyone
else to take care of you!)

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be
nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in
public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If
you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if
the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you
rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where
you still won't have t he right to a big screen color TV or a life of
leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to
have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you
to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training
laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means

that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot
easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created
by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are
from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from!

And ..lastly:

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or
heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet,
you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith
at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of
our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing
tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common
sense is allowed to flourish Sensible people of the United States speak out
because if you do not, who will?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.!

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )

The answer is: "A Last Name."

This guy knows his math
 
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who
cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto
the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
 
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
 
I ALWAYS smile nicely and, wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
 
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
 
That's 96 miles each day.
 
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
 
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
 
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
 
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
 
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure
I pass at least another 4000 cars.
 
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day.
 
Statistically, females drive half of these.
 
That's 18,000 women drivers!
 
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
 
That's 642.
 
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
 
That's 449.
 
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of  all females
have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
 
That's 98.
 
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem .
 
That's 33.
 
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.
 
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female
that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
 
Give her the finger? .........  I don't think so !!!

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.