When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife says, "Where are you going? " He says, "I'm going to the doctor. " She says, "Are you sick? " He says, "No, I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills. " So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. He says, "Where are you going? " She says, "I'm going to the doctor too. " He says, "Why? " She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he had a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy. " Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised."
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer then prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice. " We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment we have lived happily ever."
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES
FOR
One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.
The Italian man says... Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end. The Frenchman boasts... Last week, when my wife and I had sex. I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love, and she screamed for fifteen minutes. The Jewish man says... Well, last week, my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours. The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours? The Jewish man says... I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
A Louisiana Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer,"I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there." The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish." So the old farmer went about his farm chores. It wasn't too much later and the farmer heard loud scream's and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Dept. employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest of hornet's and was gaining on the employees at every step. The old farmer yelled out, "Show'em your card, Smart Ass....Show'em your card!!
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100.""Good," Dave says."Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house.In his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a blonde lady from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me." By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. Boy - "I have a baseball."
This text is from a county emergency manager out in the central part of Colorado after the recent snowstorm. WEATHER BULLETIN Up here, in the Northern Plains, we just recovered from a Historic event---
may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions" --- with a
historic blizzard of up to 44" inches of snow and winds to 90 MPH that
broke
trees in half, knocked down utility poles, stranded hundreds of motorists
in FYI: George Bush did not come. FEMA did nothing. No one howled for the government. No one blamed the government. No one even uttered an expletive on TV Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton did not visit. Our Mayor did not blame Bush or anyone else. Our Governor did not blame Bush or anyone else, either. CNN, ABC, CBS, FOX or NBC did not visit - or report on this category 5 snowstorm. Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards. No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House. No one looted. Nobody - I mean Nobody demanded the government do something. Nobody expected the government to do anything, either. No Larry King, No Bill O'Rielly, No Oprah, No Chris Mathews and No Geraldo Rivera. No Shaun Penn, No Barbara Striesand, No Hollywood types to be found. Nope, we just melted the snow for water. Sent out caravans of SUV's to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars. The truck drivers pulled people out of snow banks and didn't ask for a penny. Local restaurants made food and the police and fire departments delivered it to the snowbound families. Families took in the stranded people - total strangers. We fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Coleman lanterns. We put on extra layers of clothes because up here it is "Work or Die". We did not wait for some affirmative action government to get us out of a
mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades votes Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early, we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves. "In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 48 degrees North Latitude, 90% of the world's social problems evaporate." It does seem that way, at least to me. I hope this gets passed on. Maybe SOME people will get the message. The world does Not owe you a living
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!? she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a housand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
An old Hispanic man lived alone in East Los Angeles. He wanted to spade his garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jose, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Jose: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me. Tu Padre. A few days later, he received a letter from his son. Dear Papa: Por Dios, Papa, don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried all my drugs and money. Tu hijo, Jose At 6 a.m. the next morning, the L.A. Sheriffs showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any drugs or money. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Papa: Go ahead and plant your garden now, papa. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Joe
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a West Virginian are all working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada " POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land." POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The West Virginian says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable." The West Virginian sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
I don't think you can read this without laughing out loud!!! This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Take a sec and read this until the end; I’m crying I laughed so hard….enjoy!!! (If you've already seen this, it's still fun to read it again!)
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. "You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train again ... but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you, and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue, "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the broad in the kitchen."
TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
========================================================== I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their "Astronomically speaking, Time wise, it appears to be
AGE DRINK
If I ever go to war...
A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses The North has dating services, The South has family reunions. The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails The North has double last names, The South has double first names. The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races. The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits. The North has green salads, The South has collard greens The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish. The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt. FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store. Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how To use it. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own Shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there, He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes.
Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered "Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter." he replied. Since
diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week. When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor: "What skill?" yelled Manuel, "I sew da elastic on da panties, Pedro puts dem over his head and says,'Yeah, diesel fitter.
One Monday morning a Mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,? the Mailman comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I." The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that. "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up Seven times....
1) You walka pasta da bakery. And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies: 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than North Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than North Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than North Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than North Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than North Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you! Becky, and beautiful Royana!
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead are "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a "relationship" drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book
Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald", he s aid sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home" "Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said,"Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff. The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster. Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he said with a deep sigh...... "Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
Those who live there will understand... 1. Never, and we mean NEVER plan a wedding for a weekend when UT plays football. That is what open dates are for. 2. You must learn to pronounce the city name correctly. It is NOX-VULL. 3. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Knoxville has its own version of traffic rules....the Trans-Am with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that... 4. All directions start with, "Go down to Kingston Pike"... which is the Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end. 5. Henley Street turns into Chapman Highway and may also be called Highway 441. Broadway turns into Maynardville Highway and may also be called Highway 33. Cumberland Avenue turns into Kingston Pike and may also be called Highway 70. Magnolia Avenue turns into Asheville Highway and may also be called Highway 11E. 6. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. 7. If you stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. 8. Construction on I-40 / 75 is a permanent fixture of Knoxville life. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next days driving a bit more exciting. 9. Do not slow down on I - 640 when you get close to the Western Avenue overpass. The Knoxville Police Dept parks empty police cars strategically around town. If you are drinking a beer or eating a donut throw it at the empty police car as you pass. 10. If someone actually has their turn signal on wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated". 11. Local traffic reports and Knoxville natives will often refer to the Pellissippi Parkway. You will however, find no road signs marked as such. Pellissippi Parkway is actually Interstate 140, but don't refer to it as that when talk ing to locals because they will have no idea what you are talking about. 12. The minimum acceptable speed on the Pellisippi Parkway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy. 13. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. 14. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Dogwood Arts Festival is going on. 15. Any and all shopping should be done in West Knoxville. The Metropolitan Planning commission in conjunction with experts in urban sprawl, have paved every piece of usable property between UT and the Loudon County line. All shopping should be done in the large homogenized, box type structures erected there. 16. Knoxville Center Mall is actually in East Knoxville. West Town Mall is just to the east of Downtown West. 17. Halls has IT. (IT apparently refers to the highest number of Baptist churches per person.) 18. No one who lives in the town of Farragut is actually from East Tennessee or even the South. Admiral Farragut was a Union Soldier. Yep , they're all Yankees. 19. It is better to stay off the roads on Saturdays in the fall, as 3 out of 4 drivers have had way too much Jack Daniels at the ballgame and the fourth driver is a cop. 20. There is nothing up in the Sunsphere. Don't try to go up there. 21. It is a good and honorable thing to work on a mobile home sales lot. 22. Yeah the mountains are pretty, but how 'bout them Outlet Malls! 23. Don't ask anyone about Oak Ridge. Two headed deer and three eyed Carp do appear naturally in the wild. 24. Never point and laugh at anything painted Orange, no matter how bizarre or tasteless, unless you want to get your butt kicked. 25. It's pronounced "NEEland" Stadium. 26. The Chamber of Commerce says parking after dark in the Old City should be "pretty safe". 27. In order to run for any political office in Knoxville or Knox County you can have no more than a 5th grade education and you must mispronounce at least every other word. (See Mary Lou Horner). 28. If you see a really interesting old building in Knoxville there is no doubt a plan to tear it down. 29. The two tallest buildings in Knoxville and the 1982 World's Fair were built by two brothers who promptly filed bankruptcy and went to prison for bank fraud. If your last name happens to be Butcher you might want to be careful.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole
I walked into a Blimbie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door. They walk among us and many work retail. ================================================================================= ================================================================================= ================================================================================= ================================================================================= =================================================================================
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom: "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area." He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot,"So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel”. And take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long." Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear, he's gotta take a sh*t first."
"I'd give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for me!"
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy," But why have you only ordered beer all evening?" The third piggy says -
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.' Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river' Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so Ill give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
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