BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!


Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?

1. We're related

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.


What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms & dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

WHY LOVE CHILDREN

Category: Misc Jokes

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is
nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she ans wered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A
talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can
find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER

Category: Misc Jokes

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
• No wonder men are happier.

WHY MEN DONT WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Category: Misc Jokes

Dear Walter : I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving

my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the

road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get

my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with

the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for

the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed

and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become

increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Anne 

 

 

 

Dear Anne: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be

caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that

there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes

and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the

fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor

float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter

WHY WOMEN ARE CRABBY

Category: Misc Jokes

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears.

So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.                        
 

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. 
  
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. 
                                                         
Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.    
                                                           
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar.  Calm down and push.  Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

 After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.                       

Then come their "Teen Years."  Need I say more? 
                                                                                                                          
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. 
                    
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. 
                          
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...   
                     

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"?  Yeah right.  Bite me. 

WIDOW

Category: Misc Jokes

A widow is feeling lonely, she's been alone for about four years and runs an ad in the local paper which says..."I am looking for a man who won't run off with my money, but, who can make me feel like a woman again." She gets a phone call one day, and the man says..."Hello, I am calling in response to your ad. I am a recovering alcoholic, I haven't touched booze in weeks." The widow thought to herself, "No he won't run off with it, but he will drink it all up." She politely says goodbye and hung up. A day or so later, she gets another call and the man says... "Hi, I saw your ad in the paper and I'm calling you, we have a lot in common. I am also a widower and vacation frequently in Las Vegas. I wanted to know if you would like to come with me on my next trip." The widow thought, "Yeah, he won't run off with it, he will just gamble it all away." She said goodbye and hung up. One day she hears a KNOCK on the Front Door and she goes to answer it. To her surprise there is a man laying on her front porch with no arms or no legs, and he says: I coming by in response to your ad you ran. You can see that I have no arms so I can't carry your money off, and I lost my legs in an accident so I can't run off with your money." The wido says, “Ok, you can't carry or run off with my money, but how are you going to make me feel like a woman again? He responded, "How do you think I knocked on the Door?"

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

Category: Misc Jokes

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" “Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WILL I LIVE TO BE SO

Category: Misc Jokes

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

 A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
 you think I'll live to be 80?"

 He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

 "No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

 Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

 I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

 "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
 hiking, or bicycling?"

 "No, I don't," I said.

 He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

 "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
 Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a shit?"

WITCH DOCTOR

Category: Misc Jokes

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, “I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say ‘one, two, three’ and you’ll get the largest erection you’ve ever had. After your wife’s been satisfied, simply say ‘one, two, three, four’ and it will disappear for 12 months.”

Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, “Watch this! One, two, three!” His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.

His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, “That’s great! But what did you say ‘one, two, three’ for?

WOMAN'S & MEN POEM

Category: Misc Jokes

WOMAN'S POEM


Before I lay me down to sleep,


I pray for a man who's not a creep;


One who's handsome, smart and strong.


Who loves to listen all day long,


One who thinks before he speaks,


One who'll call - not wait for weeks.


I pray he's gainfully employed,


When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.


Pulls out my chair and opens my door,


Massages my back and begs to do more.


Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind;


Knows what to respond to "How big's my behind?"


I pray that he loves me, this man, to no end,


Always remaining my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs


who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This


doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

WOMAN AT SUPERMARKET

Category: Misc Jokes

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but
she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."

WOMAN HAVING LUNCH

Category: Misc Jokes

A woman is having lunch with a few of her friends one Sunday when she announces she has discovered a way to keep her husband from staying out late at night. "Last night when I heard the front door open and my husband enter, I yelled down, 'Joe, is that you?'"

Her one friend turns to her and asks, "How is that going to stop him from staying out late?"

She replied, "My husband's name is Charles.

WOMAN IN COMA

Category: Misc Jokes

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. The doctors were at a loss so they decided to try one last quasi-medical trick.

They went to her husband and said, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlined—no pulse, no heart rate.

The doctors ran back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure—I think maybe she choked."

WOMANS PERFECT BREAKFAST

Category: Misc Jokes

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties b